The Week That Was

Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration … that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather – Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks was a controversial and 'black' comedian and the above line is the funniest I have heard. Ever. And it inspired me to write down various serious news article that I hope will be aired one day.

Last week, after years of procrastination, finally a promising but discounted scientist invented a time machine. Our correspondent checked it out herself. She was in the machine for sixty minutes and when she came out, an hour had passed. The now-famous scientist is going to procrastinate for another decade before working on increasing the speed of the time machine as well as on moving backwards. Meanwhile, he will be lobbying for the Nobel.

The longest running meeting in the history has just been clocked at two years and a few days. The exact duration is unknown as the meeting wasnt really initiated to break any records and the surviving participants have forgotten when it was started or even why it was started. Besides the duration doesnt matter since there is nothing else even close in comparison. Out of the original eleven participants, three have developed nutrient deficiencies owing to regular pizza consumption, four have since died of throat cancer, while two married each other, started a family and their children have now refused to leave the conference room, calling it their home. The meeting suddenly ended because the chairperson drew a blank when asked to summarize the discussion so far. He, instead, decided to conveniently go into comma.

When a mummy, recently unearthed, was opened, a man jumped out and went straight to the local bank to encash his long term investments. He is now, officially, the richest man on the planet, not counting mummies.

Peace broke out between the members of opposite parties after more than a century of panoramic killings. The investigations are still on but cause is widely believed to be the infiltration of the video game - God of War.

Recession moves on. US unveiled a trillian dollar bill. More corporations have closed shops than were registered signifying more supply than demand. Still more are rumoured to be going under. A manufacturer came up with an innovative promotion as it offered ten dollars with each slice of free bread but its ulterior motives were seen by all and sundry. A family died of hunger as it postponed its consumption in view of the falling prices. The prices continue falling, justifying the sacrifice.

An inhuman experiment was conducted to wide acclaim as it was aired live. The purpose of the experiment was not known but the common consensus has been that the results were disappointing. A bill, however, has been passed to repeat the experiment for scientific enquiry as well as because the TRPs have been the highest ever since the panoramic war ended. Further, owing to a large number of volunteers, it will be turned into a reality show.

In cricket, India's dominance continues ably supprted by large scale racial sledging on and off the field. In protest, the entire Australian team has gone fishing led by Symonds.

Nadal beat Federer in yet another grand-slam final. A stampede claimed five lives as people struggled to watch Federer cry one more time. Nadal was unimpressed. Federer reportedly said he purposefully lost so as not to disappoint his fans and devoted his loss to the five dead people. Federer's name has now become immortalized as the only man to have lost the largest number of consecutive grand-slam finals.

And here's Tom with the weather...

What are you talking about?

This is the first response to anything that resembles bad news, juicy gossip, non-fatal shock, harmless speculation, utter incomprehension, or simple bewilderment.

This is also the first response when one is confronted with rhetorical questions or accusation of theft, rape, murder, pillage, genocide or all of them.

This is the only phrase known to mankind which when combined with appropriate facial contours can take on a million and a half different meaning.

This is the only phrase known to mankind which can lend itself to different meanings to different individuals.

This is my favorite phrase.

Though, I was talked into making this my favorite phrase.

You must be wondering, What am I talking about?

That, my friends, could be a sign of incomprehension if you haven’t followed a single word so far. It could signify bewilderment if you were lost in the unintentionally simple sentences. It could mean a humorous twist if you are still with me.

Let’s see some example of dexterous usage of this phrase to get out of life-threatening situations:

Has your girl-friend ever asked you if her dress made her look fat? You should furrow your eye-brows and say WAYTA in a phonetically trailing manner.

Has your boss ever cornered you on something you were supposed to have completed last week? Try to resemble an owl with both your eyes wide open and as circular as possible. Then utter WAYTA, with an emphasis on W.

Have you found yourself in the middle of a debate not knowing how to argue your point? Act bored and slur out WAYTA with a yawn timed right in the middle of it.

Have you found yourself at the receiving end of a joke not knowing how to retort? Repeat the previously mentioned step and instead of a yawn, add a condescending smile. Raising your left eye-brow will be a plus.

Have you been accused of smoking when the evidence was in your hands? Look scandalized and shout at the top of your lungs, WAYTA.

Have you been sufficiently embarrassed to the brink of pink on being caught ogling at/by a girl/ guy? Say WAYTA in an exasperated manner and add ‘No, really’ at the end of it with a question mark.

Have you ever been at the receiving end of a long monologue, the meaning of which was lost on you at “Hello”? Say WAYTA and politely ask the speaker to repeat him/herself. Don’t forget to apologize.

The above is guaranteed to work or you can have your phrase back.