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Thursday, February 21, 2008

Last word freak

Do you feel that you have an obsessive-compulsive need to have the last word?

Do you, at times, say something, hoping to close the conversation, but ended up never hearing from the other person?

Do you, at times, say something which turned out to be not quite as witty as you expected and the only reason you did that was as a retort?

Do you hate coming across people like above?

This post is dedicated to all of you (I dont believe in niche positioning and I dont like to limit my audience:-). Alright, honestly speaking, this post is dedicated to people who have an obsessive-compulsive need to have the last word, referred to as Last-Word-Freaks. They are as common as the number of times calls drop in Malaysia (Trust me thats quite a lot). There are more similarities between the two. Sometimes, they are quite irritating (imagine talking to your girlfriend with repetitive call failures) and very welcome at other times (especially if your boss has taken a habit of thinking of you as his keep). On the same token, sometimes you find LWFs extremely irritating and at other times, they are quite fun to have around. All depends upon the context and the mood.

I have devised a very simple way of diagnosing who are the LWFs. It starts with playing a game which is called "Associations" (Disclaimer: I havent invented the game; but the idea to use it to diagnose LWF is entirely mine). You would need to start this game with an unsuspecting potential-LWF. The game is very simple. You utter a word. the other person utters another word, somehow linked to the original word. You do the same. Repeat ad infinitum. See an example below:

Mountain - River - Water - Yacht - Sex

You can challenge a link if you dont understand one. In the above case, I was thinking of sex in a yacht.

Sex - male - Beta - Idiot - Beta - Idiot - Beta - Idiot

The moment you hit a repeating circular mode, you are dealing with an average LWF. He thinks that he is smart, except he is not. He is your nightmare; a lethal and potent potion of arrogance and absurdity. He cant spell wit, is easily amused (only at his own "jokes"), doesnt understand half of others' jokes or refuses to smile and is too arrogant to be bothered with. Walk away while you can. Or if you are the cynical sadist, unleash him on other unsuspecting victims, lean back and enjoy.

Beta - Associations - Last-word-freak - Beta - Blog - Nudepics - Censor - Globalwarming - WorldPeace - Ms. Universe - Antarctica - Captain Cook - Santa -

If you encounter a trail like the above, behold, you are watching a master at work. He is still not diagnosed as the LWF but he is witty and playing along. If he is diagnosed as the LWF, then you may have discovered the rarest breed of LWF who, sometimes can be quite fun to have around. Now, comes the test (Remember, Santa is your word):-

Santa - Paedophile - NowIamGettingTired - Vitamins - NoSeriously - Quitter - AlrightIamOffNow - Loser - StopIT - WristWatch - What! - Why - Sorry? - Hard

The above will be a sureshot diagnosis that you have a Super-LWF at hand. He probably roams the streets at night in black clothes and stiff upper-lip and talks the criminals into jail. You dont want to be at wit-loggerheads with him any more than drill a jackhammer through his head. However, you dont want to miss out on your entertainment tonic of the day when he is at work on somebody else.

So, have you encountered any Last Word Freaks recently?


Aravind said...

but beta, i thought we were the last word freaks....

Beta said...

Tambi - I actually thought this was my best article ever and yet it took over 10 months to get the first comment on it. It takes a genius to identify the talent here :-)

Yes - You were the first authentic LWF I met, I will grant you that. But please dont start a war of wits here :-)